Application for Permission to Date my Daughter

This was brought to our attention by Nicolle. Some of the clauses need to be a tad more strict, and pain and punishment need to figure more prominently, but it conveys the spirit:

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH______________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_______________
SIN #_____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/PROV______________________
AREA CODE _____________

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:________________________________
Number of years they have been married ____________
If less than your age, explain:_____________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?_______________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?___
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?_______________

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend______________________
How often you attend___________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? _____________
Mother? _____________
Pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:_______
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:______
C: A woman's place is in the:_____________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:__
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?_________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:__
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND/OR RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ _________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ _________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi Commissioner of Oaths

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.


Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend:

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Home Alone Soon

In a few days, Jo's going to be flying off to Kansas and Nebraska for Karen's wedding. Vivian and Carol and I will drive up the yellow brick road five days later to join her. But for these five days, it's going to be Vivian and me home alone! Can you believe that? I am going to have to pretend that I'm a Responsible Adult.

It's not a big deal, you say. In fact, Jo says thinks the whole thing reeks of chauvinism. Why is it such a big deal that Daddy's got to take care of his daughter for a few days?

I'm not worried about the operational aspects. I can change diapers and feed her and give her a bath and play with her till the cows come home. Question is - how will Vivian hold up without Mom? And can I make it through the week without squash and soccer?

I think we can. But you can expect a grumpy post from us next week.

Spring

It's unmistakably spring in Central Texas - these few precious days of lovely weather before summer and endless months of air-conditioning. We decide to head out early on Fri afternoon for Carol's casa. On Saturday morning, Michelle, Jo, and Carol are going to run/walk the Wounded Soldier 15 mile relay along River Road.

That night, 4 pets, 5 adults, and 6 children attempt to sleep at the house.

The 4 oldest kids are in sleeping bags in the living room floor. I am up till about 230am working on Paypal integration. Millie (devil cat) starts yelping and scratching at the french doors at 3am to be let in. I drag my ass up from the couch and do the needful. At 330am, Ellie (smart dog) starts yowling outside Carol's bedroom door because all the other dogs are in there. By 340am, Jo is wandering around dealing with Ellie. At 350am Carol wakes up - she's recovering from jet-lag - it's almost 11am in Norway. Eva screams like a champ. Carol turns on her coffee pot with the turbo-monster percolator setting. Then she drowns out the sound of the coffee pot by loading and unloading the dishwasher several times with a blindfold over her eyes (or at least doing a darn good imitation of it). Vivian screams a few times. And Kai starts snoring like a St Bernard with sleep apnea.

Jo takes pity on me and sends me to the back bedroom. The runners depart. Vivian sleeps fitfully on my chest, and we sleep in. We wake up to a breakfast of bananas - Vivian polishes off one and a half, and I think she would keep on eating. It's a lovely day - not a cloud in the sky, and a gentle breeze carrying a hint of a thousand hill-country wildflowers.

Daddy's Dancing Daredevil

Vivian has taken to doing three things furiously: She chants "daddy...daddy...daddy..."; she dances to music; and she clambers on to anything.

She's particularly insistent on the daddy chant when Mom asks her to say "Mommy". I don't think she knows who or what "daddy" is. She just says it a lot - when she's hungry, when she's chilling, when she's not hungry - that sort of a thing.

The dancing is evolving every day. First she liked us to carry her and dance to the tunes from the CD Michelle and Alu got for her. Wild giggles during the spins and flips. Then she started out on her own with a couple of basic foot taps and twirling moves. Now she's added a booty shake and an SNF-style arm thing. Pretty elaborate. Yesterday, she had half the patio at the Flying Saucer dancing with her.

She climbs on whatever she can - Jo and me, her baby gym, the arms of the couch, the squirrel toy, the baby gate at Nicolle's, the railing at the Flying Saucer. Yesterday, she climbed up the big kid's play scape at the park. No splats yet, but is seems inevitable.